AnchoredWhat does the Bible say about forgiveness in marriage?
The Bible does not give marriage its own rule for forgiveness. It gives every Christian one rule and expects marriage to be where it is practised most often. Ephesians 4:32 tells believers to forgive "even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you", which sets the measure: forgiveness in marriage copies God’s forgiveness, not what the other person deserves. Colossians 3:13 adds that this includes real complaints ("if any man have a quarrel against any"), so forgiving a spouse is not only for small or imagined hurts. Jesus told Peter to forgive "until seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22), which in a marriage means forgiving the same habit more than once. Scripture also pairs forgiveness with honesty: Luke 17:3 says to rebuke the person who wrongs you and forgive them when they repent. So biblical forgiveness in marriage names the wrong, releases the debt, and keeps doing so.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
What forgiveness is not
- It is not saying it did not matter. You can only forgive something you admit was wrong. "It is fine" skips the forgiveness.
- It is not forgetting. You will remember. Forgiving means choosing not to bring it back up as a weapon.
- It is not the same as trust. Forgiveness can be given in a moment. Trust after a serious betrayal is rebuilt slowly, by changed behaviour over time.
- It is not a feeling. Most people decide to forgive before they feel any warmer. The feelings often follow later.
- It is not staying in danger. If your spouse is hurting, threatening or controlling you, forgiving them does not mean you must stay where you are unsafe. Talk to someone you trust, a pastor or a local helpline.
“He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.”
A practice for after a fight
Most couples are not short of reasons to forgive. What they lack is a way to do it, so the argument just fades and leaves something behind. Try these six steps once you have both calmed down, which may take an hour.
- Cool down first. If either of you is still angry, agree on a time to come back to it, ideally the same day. Ephesians 4:26 asks you not to let the sun go down on your wrath, not to settle everything while you are still upset.
- Each name your own part. Start with what you did, not what they did: "I raised my voice" or "I brought up your mum again." One sentence, no "but".
- Ask, do not just apologise. "I am sorry" is about you. "Will you forgive me?" hands something to your spouse and waits for an answer.
- Answer out loud. "I forgive you" is harder to say than a nod, and it means more. If you are not ready, say so honestly: "I want to. Give me until tomorrow."
- Pray one sentence each. Something as short as "Lord, help us love each other well" is enough.
- Come back to the issue later. Forgiving each other ends the fight; it does not always solve the problem underneath. Choose a calmer time to talk about that.
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
Words that help and words that hurt
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| "I am sorry you feel that way." | "I am sorry I said that. It was unkind." |
| "I am sorry, but you…" | "I am sorry." Then stop. |
| "Fine. Forget it." | "I forgive you. Can we talk about what started it tomorrow?" |
| "You always do this." | "This is the second time this week, and it hurts." |
| "I said sorry already." | "What would help you feel that I mean it?" |
When the hurt is big
Some things cannot be forgiven in one evening: an affair, a long pattern of lying, years of feeling unseen. For hurts like these, forgiveness is usually a decision you make once and then keep making, each time the memory comes back. That is not failure. It is what "seventy times seven" looks like from the inside.
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
Do not carry a hurt like this on your own. A pastor or a Christian marriage counsellor can help you both talk about it without the conversation turning into the same fight again. Asking for help is a sign that you are taking the marriage seriously.
When you are the one who needs forgiving
- Confess without defending. Say what you did plainly. Explanations can come later, if they are asked for.
- Do not set a deadline. Your spouse may need time. Pushing for quick forgiveness puts your relief ahead of their hurt.
- Change the behaviour. Repentance in Scripture means turning around. What will you do differently, and how will your spouse be able to see it?
- Receive God’s forgiveness too. If you keep punishing yourself, you will struggle to accept your spouse’s forgiveness when it comes.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
A prayer to pray together
Lord Jesus, You have forgiven us more than we will ever have to forgive each other. Show each of us our own part in what happened. Help us to say sorry honestly, to forgive freely, and not to keep a record of wrongs. Heal what has been hurt between us, and teach us to love each other the way You love us. Amen.
“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
Keep practising
Forgiveness gets easier with practice, and practice is easier with a plan. Week 3 of the 4-week couples Bible study plan is about words and conflict, and 12 short prayers for couples includes prayers for forgiveness and for after an argument. In Anchored, the Forgiveness and Healing series spends thirty days on this, one passage and one question a day, and Conflict with Grace is about disagreeing well before you need to forgive.
